Out of Order

The rants and raves that used to be occasional have become frequent.

I’m going nuts and it’s unhealthy. I’m mad and it’s scary. I’m afraid that I wake up one day feeling too much madness within me. Madness that must rupture or else I might end up committing suicide.

I’m bushed with all the pile of works coming in. I’m malfunctioning with all the unfinished works in front of my face, and all the others pending in. I couldn’t start a thing, consuming most of the time left deciding what should go first. I hate how they draw closer all at once.

I hate these loads of work I should be doing, the professors, the deadlines, the plays I never really intend to watch. I hate them.

But I hate myself more. I hate how negligent I’m becoming.

Cramming is something I’ve been doing since then but not being able to beat the deadlines is another thing. I always, always make sure I pass all requirements asked of me in due time. Despite all the time I was procrastinating, I thrived.

But this sem, I turned out to be so delinquent. I don’t even try sometimes. I always think of how one thing seems so difficult then, I get weak and fail to do it at the right time.

I hate that I’m starting to mislay that slight sanity I have.

I’m missing my goals. I’m missing my target.

What I need in my hands is that self-control. I need to hold it and maneuver it towards the aim.