Reading a friend’s entry dedicated to her best friend, whom she met in college, is a bit heartrending, for the sole reason that both of my best friends in college had left.
Really, I find it hard to mix out with people knowing how they perceive me. I am quite befuddled how I could give such not so affirmative impressions to people. I mean, I used to have a great deal of friends, without trying too hard. But then, now, I am the high maintenance, the detached and distant, the self-possessed, the oblivious, and even the overdressed sometimes. No matter how I wanted to overturn things, I just couldn’t. Proving to others that I’m like this or like that is not easy. How much more when I intend to prove that I’m not like this or not like that? It’s doubly exhausting.
I know, I’m not supposed to please them. Befriending and pleasing are two disparate terms, and the first one of course is the weightier. But then again, it’s hard to make someone my chum or buddy if he has defined notions about me, and does not even willing to grant me a chance to refute his image of me. I feel alienated most of the time.
It’s depressing how after three years, I have gained no more than borrowed friends whose affections ended with each class. It’s depressing how a semester and a friendship end at one fell swoop.
I miss the two best friends who know me as opposed to what people think. I miss being untroubled with them – doing my silly dance moves which they were trying to bop but they couldn’t, warping my face until I was no longer identifiable, making funny or blunt remarks that would shock but would make them chuckle eventually, and keeping them amused by doing tricks with the different parts of my body.
I miss being surrounded by people who do not only see me by the coating.
